My True Father
by ConsultingDuelist
Summary: COMPLETE Short Drabble A series of tales beginning with Harry finding out his father is Snape. A humorparody.
1. PART I

My True Father

by ArwenAragorn4Ever

Genre: Humor, parody (IT IS A DRABBLE, MOSTLY... I don't know what to call it. Just laugh!)

Summary: Harry finds out who his true father is. A little one-shot I made after reading marietsy's 'Is He My Father?'

A/N: Greetings! A parody/humor one-shot on Snape and Harry! Will be a sequel, but not concerning these two characters. I'd rather have them separate than in the same story. It's makes things easier. I hate the new system now. It's complicated. DEDICATED TO MARIETSY (because I luv your stories, girl! And your story made me write this one-shot series!)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. By the way, 30 more days before the sixth Harry Potter book comes out! (points to calender) ;)

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—Harry's P.O.V—

"Then, who's my father?"I asked.

"Professor Snape,"Dumbledore answered.

I fainted.

A few days later, after I regained consciousness, I went to see Dumbledore again. "Sir, how can he, of all people, be my father!"I yelled.

"…"

"Headmaster?"

"He…slept with Lily in their seventh year at Hogwarts. Both were drunk (it was at a Christmas Ball). They consumated and he took advantage of her drunken state. And when she had you (she was all ready married to James, they also had sex), she used a few glamour charms on you. Would you like to see yourself?"

I nodded, nervously. I was disturbed by this piece of news. No wonder. It was all about sex. Something I wasn't even into yet. I may have had a fling with Cho Chang, Ravenclaw Quidditch Seeker, but that's history! Fifth year history! It's now seventh year, and I still don't have anyone! Dammit!

Wait… "Do Remus and Sirius know about this?"

He nodded. "All right, then."

Okay. Here we go. Take a deep breath, Harry. All will be fine. EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT I AM SNAPE'S SON! "Revealo."

He put a mirror in front of me. I had red hair (but it was in Snape's style, I swear I could feel the hair grease), dark green eyes and even Snape's nose. Before I fainted, my last thought was, 'I want plastic surgery, now!'

3 Days Later…

"Harry!"a voice called, waking me from my peaceful slumber.

"H…Hermione?"

"Oh, Dumbledore told us,"Hermione cried on my shoulder. "I'm soooo sorry!"

Someone…CALL THE CALM POLICE NOW! my head yelled.

"Harry…do…you like me?"she asked.

"Where'd that come from?"I asked.

"I just…"Hermione began.

Then, she did the unthinkable. She kissed me, just as Snape walked in the room! This is a hopsital…not a Kissing Salon or Booth you might find at a carnival (where Dudley gets fatter than a killer whale or a shark, I might add)!

"Granger, who is that and why are you pushing your tongue down his throat?"

Hermione and I broke apart. With Hermione's arm around my waist, we looked at Snape.

"Um…Professor, I thought you knew,"Hermione said. "H—He's Harry."

"Which Harry?"

"Potter."

"Why does he look like me?"

"Hi daddy!"I waved, jumping up and down.

"W-What? No…drunk…Lily…sex…baby…DUMBLEDORE!"Snape ran out of the Hospital Wing, looking very white. Or green. Or purple. Multicolor, let's call him! MULTICOLOR SNAPE!

He left, and me and Hermione were laughing our heads off.

Ron came in minutes later. Hermione and I were making out.

"Hermione, stop kissing other guys!"he yelled.

"Hey, Ron,"I grinned. I still sound the same. Whoo hoo!

"Harry!"He yelled. He grabbed me by the shoulders and hugged me. He then put both arms around me and cried.

"Oh, I'm really, really sorry about you being Snape's k-kid, Harry…"he sobbed. Hey…I'm a feminist! SWEET!

"I…Ron…Harry and I are together,"Hermione said. Ron just kept sobbing. FEMINIST!

Just then, Dumbledore walked in with Lucius Malfoy.

"Mr Weasley, we have something to tell you…"Dumbledore said. Ron shook in my arms.

"Lucius Malfoy is your father."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

—END—

A/N: I hope you liked the first of the series! Many more to come, if this gets enough reviewers! (hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge) 


	2. PART II

My True Father

Part II

Summary: Ron finds out that his father his Lucius Malfoy and his brother is Draco.

Central characters: Ron, Draco, Harry, Trelawney, Dumbledore and Colin. (you'll see why) Colin's funny.

Minor characters: McGonagall, Snape, Lucius

Special Guest: Luke Skywalker!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is not mine. It belongs to ©JK. Rowling and Warner Bros. Studios, probably more people but I cannot remember. Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are Star Wars characters; I don't know who owns Star Wars cause I've never seen ANY of the movies. I only know the characters Obi Wan, Princess Laia(sp?), Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and Han Solo because That '70s Show uses it alot.

* * *

Part II - Ron and Malfoy

* * *

Ron's POV--

"Your father is Lucius Malfoy."

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**"I yelled, and grabbed Harry even tighter.

"Ron. . .I'm. . .not breathing,"Harry said, choking.

"Ooh, sorry, mate,"I said, pulling away.

With that, Dumbledore and Lucius left the Hospital Wing.

"Ron, what are we going to do?"Harry asked, his face in his hands.

". . .Oh, drat!"Ron exclaimed. "Malfoy's my brother."

"Oh, man,"Harry said. "Oh, man... what are we going to do now?"

"If we took it like this, I wonder how Malfoy's going to feel,"Harry suddenly smirked. What the hell? Oh, yeah. Malfoy and I are worst enemies, Harry's probably thinking how he would react having me for a brother. I just can't believe Malfoy's father is my father!

"Ron, you okay?"Harry asked.

"I'm fine, Harry."

"What are we going to do?"Harry asked, head in his hands.

"What are you going to do? I mean, I might be able to handle Draco, but you and Snape hate each other's guts!"I exclaimed.

"Thanks, Ron, you made this situation a whole lot better,"Harry said sarcastically.

"Sorry, mate."

"Just...don't...mention...it...again!"

"Fine, fine, Harry!"I laughed.

"Run away!"Harry blinked and grinned.

"**WHAT**?"

"I'm serious!"Harry exclaimed. "They won't be able to find out where we are (unless we have tracking devices on our wands, damn we'll have to leave them behind) and it'll be impossible for us to live with them!"

"**BRILLIANT**!"I exclaimed. "When do we put our plan..."

Harry gave me a glare.

"All right, your plan, into action?"I asked.

"How about now?"he asked. I laughed.

"Oh... yeah."

We made our way towards the Gryffindor Dormitory (after Madam Pomfrey told Harry he could leave) and on our way, we spotted Draco, who looked paler than Nearly Headless Nick.

I looked at Harry. "He must have found out."

"Must've,"Harry grinned. "Look at his face...oh, man, I should call Colin."

"Yes?"a voice asked.

Harry and I turned around to see Colin Creevey staring at us.

Our hearts started pounding. "**DON'T DO THAT!**"

"What can I do for you?"he asked, ignoring that.

"Take a picture of Malfoy for us,"Harry replied, still grinning at the blond who was looking at us in horror.

Colin looked at Malfoy with his camera. **"SMILE, MALFOY!"**

The ferret only still looked on in horror. Harry and I by that time were rolling on the floor laughing our heads off at Malfoy's expression. The camera clicked and the flash went on, which almost burnt our eyes to death.

**"AHH, MY EYES!"**we both shouted.

"Sorry,"Colin muttered. "Thought you wanted your picture..."

**"WE DO!"**we both shouted. He passed it to us, and we ran off to the sixth year dormitory giggling like little girls who just got windfall (getting rich for no reason, I think. All I know is it means getting alot of money, elaborate this for me, would you?).

We packed up all of our stuff, and ran into Luna Lovegood, a Ravenclaw, on our way to the Ground Floor.

"Hi, guys, you getting ready for Easter holiday?"she asked.

"Easter...holiday?"

"You know...happens every year around this time?"she asked.

"Oh yeah!"

Luna shook her head sadly.

"**WAIT!**"Harry called. "Would you be able to get your dad to post this picture of Malfoy in your newspaper and get an article about how he's such a pain in the ass?"

"Why?"Luna asked curiously, hearing Malfoy 'eep' in the corner.

"Uh...we want to humiliate him, is all!"we said innocently.

Luna eyed us suspiciously. "All right, it should be in the paper soon."

"Thanks!"we chorused.

Luna rolled her eyes and strolled off, as did we. Again, grinning like little girls.

* * *

**(DUMBLEDORE'S OFFICE) NO LONGER RON'S P.O.V**

* * *

"The two boys have escaped their fates!"Trelawney said in Dumbledore's office.

"What fates?"McGonagall asked, rolling her eyes.

"They ran away from their families!"Trelawney exclaimed. "The Malfoys and the Snapes is their destinies! They ran away from it!"

"What do Harry and Ron have with the Snapes and Malfoys?"an irritated McGonagall asked. Trelawney wasn't even a Seer, all she really did was make stuff up. The only vision she had was given to her by Voldemort in Harry's third year.

"Harry's father is Professor Snape, Minerva,"Dumbledore explained.

"What...how?"McGonagall asked, shocked.

"He slept with Lily at the Christmas Ball, both were drunk. Lily was with James and James never knew Harry wasn't his because Lily placed glamour charms on him."

"And Ron?"McGonagall asked, her voice shaking.

"Lucius Malfoy is his father,"Dumbledore replied. "I believe Molly and Arthur were on a trip with Bill, Percy, Fred and George when Molly stranded off somewhere far away from the group and got raped by Lucius (he was a deatheater then). She could do nothing to stop it and in the end ended up pregnant with Ron."

By the time Dumbledore finished, McGonagall fainted, but not without saying three words.

"Too...much...sex..."

Dumbledore shook his head sadly, agreeing with Minerva also. He looked at Sybill, who was staring wide eyed at her crystal ball.

Why he hired her as Divination teacher, he'd never know.

* * *

**(OUTSIDE HOGWARTS CASTLE, SKY, ON BROOMSTICK) RON'S P.O.V**

* * *

We flew our brooms at top speed. Harry was a lot faster than me, considering his broom was a Firebolt. I only had a Cleansweeper that I got for being a Prefect. I was satisfied, but...

"RON, are you able to keep up?"Harry yelled. "I can slow down!"

"Oh no, that's fine!"I yelled, waving back. "Go on without me...I'll just...rot away."

Harry sighed and flew over to me. "Come on, Ron. I'll keep up with your speed. Try and loose the sarcasm, all right?"

"Fine.''

**"HARRY POTTER! RONALD WEASLEY!"**a male voice yelled from down below on a deserted islaned.

We looked at each other in fear before flying down.

We saw a guy, but I was too scared to even describe what he looked like.

"You're **LUKE SKYWALKER**!"Harry exclaimed, jumping up and down. Uh oh, it's not very good to get Harry hyper. Unfortunately, this Luke Skywalker person took the cake for doing that.

"Go back to your families,"Luke said.

"Why? How do we know you're real?"Harry said.

"You know that doesn't work in real life, Harry,"Luke grinned.

"Aww..."Harry said, pouting.

"Why should we go back?"I asked Luke.

"My father was a Dark Lord, and even though I had to kill him, it was nice enough for me to know I had a father, even if he was evil. I know who your family is, and what their heritages are. Just because they're evil gits doesn't mean you have to run away from them. Or kill them. Try and befrend them, like I could've with mine,"Luke said. "Even though Darth Vader won't listen to reason!"

"Uh...you made Harry cry,"I said. "I'm gonna have to twist your neck so hard you won't even know you have one!"

Harry was crying so hard he was hiccuping. "That...that was beautiful."

I rolled my eyes and began strangling Luke's throat.

When he landed unconscious, Harry stopped crying.

"You all right, mate?"I asked.

He nodded.

''Good. So, what do we do?"I asked.

"Follow Luke's advice?"Harry asked.

"Enough with the sarcasm, Harry,"I said.

"I'm serious."

"OK..."

"So what do you say? Hey, at least we get to call them "Daddy" or "Dada" and make them feel annoyed,"Harry grinned. "And you get to call Malfoy ... uh ..."

"Thanks, Har. You make a good point."

"So, go home?"Harry asked.

"Yeah.''

* * *

**(HOGWARTS, GRYFFINDOR, 6TH YEARS GIRLS DORMITORY) NO LONGER IN RON'S P.O.V**

* * *

Sixteen-year-old Hermione Granger sat on her bed in her dormitory staring at the window. She had seen Harry and Ron fly off on their broomstics, it's not like they're ants or something. Their brains are, though, she thought.

It had been a while since they left, and Hermione was starting to get worried. She heard footsteps approaching suddenly, but didn't turn around to see who it was.

"Hermione?"

She turned and saw Ginny. Ginny was in fifth year, but all girls were allowed to go in all the girls' dormitories.

"Yes?"she asked.

"I'm worried."

"About Ron and Harry?"

"Not Harry, he can take care of himself,"Ginny said. "But Ron really hasn't been out on his own before...as embarrassing as that sounds... so I'm worried."

"Wanna look out the window together?"Hermione suggested.

"All right, it might make me feel better,"Ginny replied, sitting beside Hermione.

A few minutes later, they heard maniacal laughter from outside. They looked through the window, and saw Ron shaking his head, flying Harry's Firebolt, and Harry was behind him, laughing maniacally. The two girls looked at each other worriedly. Harry finally went insane, they decided.

"Did...you hear?"Hermione asked.

"About what?"

"Ron's father is Lucius Malfoy and Harry's is Professor Snape,"she replied.

Ginny blinked and looked at the two who were flying towards the ground. "So that's why they looked different! I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me."

"That's what happens when you get old,"Hermione said.

"What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

A/N: This isn't the end to THIS part of the story! There will be a chapter two! I'm putting it all on the same thing, but it's a diff. story, it's the sequel to the first. I hope you're understanding this!


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